Wednesday, November 21, 2012

This is so sad and beautiful


She was only 31 and I would have preferred her hair less 'matronly'. I needed photos from every angle though so I had to use photos from our wedding day when her hair was up with orchids in it.

Not sure if you get an orangered for an edit, but I was thinking about being called pathetic, and I wanted you to understand what I just went through. Sorry for the wall of text, but I wanted to get it off my chest.

I had to be strong three years ago when my wife began to have strange symptoms that the doctors couldn’t explain.

I had to be strong when they called me from the emergency room to tell me that my wife’s panic attack was actually a huge brain tumor in her frontal lobe.

I had to be strong when they told me, but not her, how serious it was.

I had to be strong during the eight hour operation when the doctors told me she probably wouldn’t walk or talk normally afterwards.

I had to be strong when I fed her in intensive care.

I had to be strong while we waited for the biopsy.

I had to be strong when she got worse this year. The tumor was in the frontal lobe, so her personality changed dramatically. She refused to work or doing anything in the house so I manned up and just did fucking everything - shopping, cooking, cleaning etc...

I had to be strong when she started going insane and telling me about the great sex she had that day with her imaginary lovers, or that our little dog had satan in her.

I had to be strong when the physical symptoms started showing up.

I had to be strong when I sent her home so her folks could see her again.

I had to be strong when her doctor told me there was nothing to be done and she would be dead in a month.

Actually, to be honest, I wasn’t strong here, I cried like a child in his office.

I had to be strong when I called her folks to say she was going to die.

I had to be strong when I flew to be with her. I was worried her parents might blame me. ‘Did I do everything I could?’, ‘Did I fail as a husband?’. ‘If your wife dies isn’t that somehow automatically your failure as a husband?’. Her father was a regional director for her country's secret service, not the kind of man you want to think that you were somehow responsible for his daughter’s death.

I had to be strong when a day later she could no longer move or talk or open her eyes.

I had to be strong when the last time I was with her, her hand started trembling uncontrollably under her blanket. I though maybe she was too warm, so I pulled the blanket down. For five minutes her little hand trembled as she brought it up to her mouth and extended her finger.

She was asking me for a kiss.

I had to be strong when the most beautiful creature I had ever seen died. Here is a picture of her.

She was like a little cross between Audrey Hepburn and Sofia Lauren. As well as being incredibly intelligent and so full of life.

I had to be strong when the first dead person I ever saw was my 31 year old wife.

I had to be strong when the first coffin I ever saw go into the ground was my wife’s.

I had to be strong during the 5 day funeral, when 700 guests came to pay their respects to me and her family.

Now its all over. I’m alone in our house. I am so sick of being strong. Fuck being strong. Being strong got me fucking nothing. We don’t have kids I need to be strong for. It’s just me and the dog. She sits in my wife’s spot on the couch and whimpers. So were being pathetic together.

People keep saying ‘your wife would want you to be happy’. Bullshit! I know my wife, she loved her life, wherever she is now I bet there is a part of her that is fucking pissed off that she was cheated this way and she would damn well want me to be miserable right now and to mourn her and mourn her hard. Not forever, but for a reasonable amount of time. We were given everything and then had it take from us. It is horribly tragic. I should be sad.

My request for music is not to dwell in sadness though. This is art's great moment for me. This is when art steps up. Listening to these artists makes me feel less alone in my grief. It reminds me that others have gone through what I'm going through.

That I'm really not as alone as I feel right now.

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